Society Just Doesn’t Get It….

It has been a couple days but with all the new shows starting that seems to be my focus. I am super busy with watching TV shows and also doing reviews for local theater and movies. I have been keeping busy with other life stuff and I have been unable to really think about myself or writing for my blog. I know that writing and working on my healing should be something that I am actively doing, but I guess living life is what it is all about so I am doing that, so that is what counts? I guess I am just scared that something from out of left field will come and knock me on my butt!

Trust is still an issue

I’ve realized a sad reality, I don’t trust people, mainly men. It’s a sad thing and for the past couple days I’ve really been thinking about it. I don’t meet guys and think of he could be a nice guy. I think I wonder if he would hurt me if given the chance, I think I wonder what he is really like. It sickens me and even though I don’t consciously do it, I have realized that I do it with almost everyone.

Starting to Notice, Little Things…

When you stop and think about things or notice things about yourself, sometimes you just have to laugh. I have started to try and be more reflect upon myself and my life. I want to be aware of the things I do both to know if I should/could change them but also just so that I know what I am doing. I have noticed certain things that I have always done but I am just now really taking into account and it’s a bit weird, I guess.

Life Beyond the Screen

It has been a few days since I have posted something new and it’s a couple reasons as to why. I know that it is another week, again, already and I have not posted more of my story. I think that I have gotten a bit lost in it all and I did need to step back from it. I needed to find a way to both deal with the past while attempting to live in the present. The more that I thought about and wrote out the story of what happened when I was younger, it suddenly became very hard to do that. I think that I might be ready again to start writing a bit more, but maybe another day.

Not My Shame: Their Actions Tell Their Story

The truth rolls around in my head now. The past of all the secrets that I’ve kept. The things that men and boys have done that weren’t my doing but I held them because I was ashamed to speak up and speak out.

Now that I Look Back

Surprisingly this was difficult to write. The more I think about the abuse that happened when I was a kid and write it out, the more the thoughts and buried emotions seem to come to the surface. I have fought and buried these things for so long, sometimes it seems like an unreachable mountain. I guess writing out things like this, if nothing else, just gives me some way of getting the thoughts out of my head.

Life has been my greatest teacher,
That tells me when I am doing right or wrong,
Despite those who I have come across,
That scatter my thoughts and push on.

Nothing Makes Sense

Will I always be a victim of the pain,
The constant doubt and shame,
Of events that happened to me,
That I had no goddamn control over?

Revealing Decay

These four walls that encompass me,
Shouting out in whispers like nails scratching,
Peeling away the paint exposing the under belly,
Where the truth cannot hide any longer.

What’s the Point?

It seems a little early and in all honesty the blog has done pretty well. I’m getting likes, follows, and making connections. I guess I’m just worried. I don’t want this to be a waste. I don’t want to drone about things just to be talking and not healing. The only reason for me to do this blog is to heal, but I’m worried of just wasting time.

Where I Hope to Go

These thoughts, these thoughts,
They tell my secrets I’ve left unsaid,
That are the story of my death,
The one of my lost innocence.

Let me open my soul to you,
So you can walk away at peace,
Knowing I’m just messed up,
And there was nothing you could do.