Constant Circle

Life seems to get easier the busier it gets. I can’t say that I have always felt this way, but lately that is exactly how I feel. I feel like if I just keep going, just don’t stop, then I will be ok. I can keep going because I keep going. I know how that sounds and it might not make the most sense, but for some reason for me, it just works. I fear stopping. I fear having to examine and think, because that brings up memories and pain. I am scared to stop and to deal and really that means to heal.

I have realized certain things about myself the more I think and stop. I have been told that I don’t reflect on myself and that is true, but not entirely true. I know that I have things that I need to work on, we are not perfect, but there are things that I need help with also. I feel like my emotions are something that need to be controlled and can I do that? I am not sure, I used to feel fine when I started to take anxiety and anti-depressant meds. I stopped taking them though and have been thinking about if I need them again. I know that most of the time that is hooked in with therapy and I don’t think that I am ready for that.

I fear starting it all again. I have started and stopped a lot over the years and now that I feel like it is not the forefront of my life that I need to just let it pass. I can’t say that I am healed from it or that I have dealt with it though and that is something that I question. Should I feel like I have dealt with it? I feel like I ask the same questions constantly. I guess I just want an answer and I am not sure where to get it from.

I don’t want to be uncaring or unkind. I want to feel things and that is something that I struggle with. Can I keep this all bottled up and still feel and live the life that I should? I can’t say that I want to be a ball of emotions, but I just want to feel things. I have heard people say that they don’t take meds because of just that reason, but I just want to have a balance in it all. I feel like I am either one extreme or the other. There is no happy medium for me and I feel like that shouldn’t be the case. I can’t just be content, I am either super happy, sad or mad…it’s just how it all feels. I can go from up to down in the blink of an eye too and that is tiring.

I want to deal with this all and get it all out. I want to be whole and without these issues clouding my mind and my way. I don’t want to struggle with fears, pain, heartache forever. I feel like unless I come up with some way to be ok, then I will always be this way but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it “ok”. Sometimes it feels like a dog chasing its tail or something. I am just going round and round without any solutions and there has to be one, I just don’t know what it is, at least not yet.

Seeing the Truth

This can’t be how it’s supposed to be,
The constant struggle and fight,
Life is full of possibilities and chance,
Not filled with what could be but won’t.

Reclaiming Self

In the distance I see her there,
This girl with a smile and without care,
Who doesn’t let the rain slow her down,
And finds the hope in the rising sun.

How It All Still Gets Me

As I continue to read through “Lucky” I am surprised how I have found myself almost completely through it. I can’t believe how quickly it read and now I feel like I am not ready for it to be over. In a strange way it felt like a friend, like someone though I wasn’t speaking with, like there was a voice something that really understood it all and at times it really helped. I partly want to read other such books not necessarily for the content but just the feelings, the emotions of reading and finding understanding.

Society Just Doesn’t Get It….

It has been a couple days but with all the new shows starting that seems to be my focus. I am super busy with watching TV shows and also doing reviews for local theater and movies. I have been keeping busy with other life stuff and I have been unable to really think about myself or writing for my blog. I know that writing and working on my healing should be something that I am actively doing, but I guess living life is what it is all about so I am doing that, so that is what counts? I guess I am just scared that something from out of left field will come and knock me on my butt!

Will It

Be my light guiding me safely home,
Can you save me from myself?
I used to think I had no one,
But you have come and made me question.

Hopefully It All Comes Together

As I previously posted I’m reading “Lucky” by Alice Sebold and it amazes me how different I am. There are times that I read her words and nod my head thinking I understand and other times that I think why didn’t I feel or think that.

Trust is still an issue

I’ve realized a sad reality, I don’t trust people, mainly men. It’s a sad thing and for the past couple days I’ve really been thinking about it. I don’t meet guys and think of he could be a nice guy. I think I wonder if he would hurt me if given the chance, I think I wonder what he is really like. It sickens me and even though I don’t consciously do it, I have realized that I do it with almost everyone.

Sleeping, Not Sleeping, Nightmares and Life

Last night was an interesting night. I have been having issues sleeping again and that could be from all the normal every day stuff but last night I saw a preview of a new movie that will be on Lifetime “Big Driver” and it just seemed to stay in my mind apparently. It is based on a Stephen King novella and it is about a woman who is raped and beaten then left for dead, but escapes and comes back to seek revenge. I have not read this novella but just from the preview I could tell it looked really dark and disturbing. I actually had to read online what it was about, but after I did it, I just had this ugh feeling.

Stays the Same

You ask me a question,
You expect a response,
I don’t know what to tell you,
I know what was done,
But how do I feel,
Why would you ask,
What does it matter,
The past is the past,
I push it away,
Daily from my mind,
Hoping in time,
That the years will just pass,
Somehow they will be kind,
The hope that I have,
That one day I will forget,
All that I know,
About all that he did.