Let my words only speak the truth,
Let the darkness fade into light,
Let the angry whispers cease to speak,
While I make it through this night.
I’ve never been the most popular person and there have been times that it mattered to me more than others. I can’t say that being alone is something that I enjoy, but it is something that I have accepted in life. I have stopped feeling like it is a horrible thing and just like now, I am trying to look at it for what it is. I am trying to see life, people and everything in a logically and rational way rather than emotional. I think that most of the time the problem with it is all is emotions getting in the way and clouding our judgement.
This road we are taking isn’t filled with sunshine,
I can’t make the rain stop pouring on all our heads,
The thunder will boom and lightening still strike down,
As each heartbreaking moment becomes revealed.
Life seems to get easier the busier it gets. I can’t say that I have always felt this way, but lately that is exactly how I feel. I feel like if I just keep going, just don’t stop, then I will be ok. I can keep going because I keep going. I know how that sounds and it might not make the most sense, but for some reason for me, it just works. I fear stopping. I fear having to examine and think, because that brings up memories and pain. I am scared to stop and to deal and really that means to heal.
I have realized certain things about myself the more I think and stop. I have been told that I don’t reflect on myself and that is true, but not entirely true. I know that I have things that I need to work on, we are not perfect, but there are things that I need help with also. I feel like my emotions are something that need to be controlled and can I do that? I am not sure, I used to feel fine when I started to take anxiety and anti-depressant meds. I stopped taking them though and have been thinking about if I need them again. I know that most of the time that is hooked in with therapy and I don’t think that I am ready for that.
I fear starting it all again. I have started and stopped a lot over the years and now that I feel like it is not the forefront of my life that I need to just let it pass. I can’t say that I am healed from it or that I have dealt with it though and that is something that I question. Should I feel like I have dealt with it? I feel like I ask the same questions constantly. I guess I just want an answer and I am not sure where to get it from.
I don’t want to be uncaring or unkind. I want to feel things and that is something that I struggle with. Can I keep this all bottled up and still feel and live the life that I should? I can’t say that I want to be a ball of emotions, but I just want to feel things. I have heard people say that they don’t take meds because of just that reason, but I just want to have a balance in it all. I feel like I am either one extreme or the other. There is no happy medium for me and I feel like that shouldn’t be the case. I can’t just be content, I am either super happy, sad or mad…it’s just how it all feels. I can go from up to down in the blink of an eye too and that is tiring.
I want to deal with this all and get it all out. I want to be whole and without these issues clouding my mind and my way. I don’t want to struggle with fears, pain, heartache forever. I feel like unless I come up with some way to be ok, then I will always be this way but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it “ok”. Sometimes it feels like a dog chasing its tail or something. I am just going round and round without any solutions and there has to be one, I just don’t know what it is, at least not yet.
I’m really bad about making commitments and keeping them. I was doing pretty well with this blog, at least for a while, but now it has been forever since I’ve posted. I don’t think it’s bad to step back from something but I have this real bad problem with starting and stopping. I guess when I do this I feel like I let myself and others down.
I have never been the kind of person that wants/needs to tear someone else down to make myself feel better or appear better. I am not perfect and I don’t pretend to be, but I am who I am and if you don’t like it well you can be like everyone else. I am used to feeling, being and doing things alone. It sounds kind of sad and might sound a bit attention seeking but really it’s not. I am not complaining about it, but I have just accepted it as a part of life. I don’t really feel anything about it.
Wow has it been a long time since I have posted. I have been around and doing some stuff here and there, but yes committing to do something routinely has sort of gotten out of my hands. There are times that I think about writing or thinking about coming on here, but then something else happens and I am pulled in a different direction and can’t seem to ever get what I want done, write.