Long Road

Let my words only speak the truth,
Let the darkness fade into light,
Let the angry whispers cease to speak,
While I make it through this night.
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Concerning friends or lack thereof

I’ve never been the most popular person and there have been times that it mattered to me more than others. I can’t say that being alone is something that I enjoy, but it is something that I have accepted in life. I have stopped feeling like it is a horrible thing and just like now, I am trying to look at it for what it is. I am trying to see life, people and everything in a logically and rational way rather than emotional. I think that most of the time the problem with it is all is emotions getting in the way and clouding our judgement.
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Constant Circle

Life seems to get easier the busier it gets. I can’t say that I have always felt this way, but lately that is exactly how I feel. I feel like if I just keep going, just don’t stop, then I will be ok. I can keep going because I keep going. I know how that sounds and it might not make the most sense, but for some reason for me, it just works. I fear stopping. I fear having to examine and think, because that brings up memories and pain. I am scared to stop and to deal and really that means to heal.

I have realized certain things about myself the more I think and stop. I have been told that I don’t reflect on myself and that is true, but not entirely true. I know that I have things that I need to work on, we are not perfect, but there are things that I need help with also. I feel like my emotions are something that need to be controlled and can I do that? I am not sure, I used to feel fine when I started to take anxiety and anti-depressant meds. I stopped taking them though and have been thinking about if I need them again. I know that most of the time that is hooked in with therapy and I don’t think that I am ready for that.

I fear starting it all again. I have started and stopped a lot over the years and now that I feel like it is not the forefront of my life that I need to just let it pass. I can’t say that I am healed from it or that I have dealt with it though and that is something that I question. Should I feel like I have dealt with it? I feel like I ask the same questions constantly. I guess I just want an answer and I am not sure where to get it from.

I don’t want to be uncaring or unkind. I want to feel things and that is something that I struggle with. Can I keep this all bottled up and still feel and live the life that I should? I can’t say that I want to be a ball of emotions, but I just want to feel things. I have heard people say that they don’t take meds because of just that reason, but I just want to have a balance in it all. I feel like I am either one extreme or the other. There is no happy medium for me and I feel like that shouldn’t be the case. I can’t just be content, I am either super happy, sad or mad…it’s just how it all feels. I can go from up to down in the blink of an eye too and that is tiring.

I want to deal with this all and get it all out. I want to be whole and without these issues clouding my mind and my way. I don’t want to struggle with fears, pain, heartache forever. I feel like unless I come up with some way to be ok, then I will always be this way but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it “ok”. Sometimes it feels like a dog chasing its tail or something. I am just going round and round without any solutions and there has to be one, I just don’t know what it is, at least not yet.

Trying to Commit

I’m really bad about making commitments and keeping them. I was doing pretty well with this blog, at least for a while, but now it has been forever since I’ve posted. I don’t think it’s bad to step back from something but I have this real bad problem with starting and stopping. I guess when I do this I feel like I let myself and others down.
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This is Life….

I have never been the kind of person that wants/needs to tear someone else down to make myself feel better or appear better. I am not perfect and I don’t pretend to be, but I am who I am and if you don’t like it well you can be like everyone else. I am used to feeling, being and doing things alone. It sounds kind of sad and might sound a bit attention seeking but really it’s not. I am not complaining about it, but I have just accepted it as a part of life. I don’t really feel anything about it.
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Feeling like a Failure

Wow has it been a long time since I have posted. I have been around and doing some stuff here and there, but yes committing to do something routinely has sort of gotten out of my hands. There are times that I think about writing or thinking about coming on here, but then something else happens and I am pulled in a different direction and can’t seem to ever get what I want done, write.
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