As I continue to read through “Lucky” I am surprised how I have found myself almost completely through it. I can’t believe how quickly it read and now I feel like I am not ready for it to be over. In a strange way it felt like a friend, like someone though I wasn’t speaking with, like there was a voice something that really understood it all and at times it really helped. I partly want to read other such books not necessarily for the content but just the feelings, the emotions of reading and finding understanding.
(Might contain book spoilers)
As she gets towards the end, her best friend gets raped as well. I can only imagine how this would feel, there was a time that I feared this myself. I worried what it would be like if a friend that I had went through something like me and how would I react. I think that I would have acted much like she did and just took it all in stride like I have been there and you can turn to me whatever you need, despite not having people be there for me. I would want to be there for them in whatever way possible, but everyone is different just as she discovered. This event formed an beatable wedge between them and they ended up losing touch.
I can relate so much to her behavior she describes as she writes. After it all happened, I tried to desperately appear that I was okay and that everything was fine. I would be falling apart or feel lost inside but on the outside I wanted to appear together and it created an opening a space from me and everyone else. I feel like I still have that. I don’t know how to relate to other people and part of me wonders how much it still has to do with my unresolved issues and emotional hiding.
I still pretend that what happened didn’t really effect my life and that I made it through relatively easily but looking back and really seeing how and who I was then, I see just how lost I was and how lost I still am. I know that I am moving forward and yes I am healing over time from it all but do I think that I am healed? No, there is no way that I believe that. I know that what happened, both when I was younger and a few years ago, still affects my life today. After all the reading and writing, I still have this, what now feeling. I honestly don’t know where it all leaves me and there are times that I just feel a bit sad about how much it still has a hold on me today.
I hate still having dreams, fears and uncertainty about it all. I want to wrap it all up in a neat little bow and not have anything that happened still have a hold in my life. I want to be sound and emotionally okay, but there is just a huge part of me that just doesn’t seem to know how to make that happen. I know that I don’t want to have what happened affect my life forever and I know that there are those that just say let it go and don’t think about it anymore, but I don’t know what that means either?! How does someone just “forget” or “let go” the most horrible events that have happened in their lives and not feel any aftermath from that? Any insights are welcome, trust me.
Healing the Pain: Writing Out the Thoughts that Haunt Me 