As I previously posted I’m reading “Lucky” by Alice Sebold and it amazes me how different I am. There are times that I read her words and nod my head thinking I understand and other times that I think why didn’t I feel or think that.
I just read the chapter where she came home and told her church. After she tries to readjust to her old life but she realizes that it won’t be the same again. I remember feeling that way after it happened. I tried to talk to people and have them care but they just didn’t seem to know what to do and so I retreated. She had a calm understanding nature but I had a I’ve been hurt and I don’t want you to hurt me more.
There are things that I regret that I did or didn’t do but that doesn’t matter. No matter how similar our stories and situations might be, we all have different stories and we reacted different ways after the fact. There are times that I read and feel ashamed because I wasn’t as strong as she was but then I think of her quote, “You save yourself or you remain unsaved.” Those words are so true.
No matter what I did or didn’t do, I did what I had to in order to get through that time. Could I have handled it better? Should I have reported? Reading what she went through when she reported, it makes me glad I didn’t. He had a knife and threatened to kill her and people, even police, didn’t react in a kind understanding manner. What would they have said I walk in drunk, telling about a guy who had let me leave? They would have made me feel worse than just attempting to ignore it.
She was forced, due to bruises, to tell her family but to this day I haven’t told anyone. I think about telling my mom but I just don’t know how and I’m worried that she will blame herself. I know that she couldn’t keep it to herself though and now I feel like it has been so long that there isn’t any point to upset her. I had chances when I lived at home, when I hide in my room saying that I was studying. I still don’t know how I made it through that semester, but that was the first and only C I got in college and she never found out. I retreated from life after it happened. I did what I had to do to keep up appearances but I basically gave up on being who I was or could be. I lost myself and had no idea how to get who I was back and the thought just hurt more than anything so I just stopped and allowed time to simply pass.
She was so strong for whatever reason, and she wanted it to be called “rape”, I still have an issue with that. I’m ashamed to have that title attached to it and worried that people will find out. I’m not really sure why I care because its not like I’m Miss popularity or anything but I just don’t want the looks. The way she describes the looks is right on the money. When you tell someone that you are a survivor how they look at you and treat you does change whether for conscious or unconscious reasons. There is such a stigma around and people just don’t know what to do or say and so they just want to ignore it or pretend like it doesn’t matter. They might be able to go on like its nothing but it’s not their life, that’s why it’s easy. They don’t really know and lost don’t try to understand so ignoring and going on is just easier.
I’m not sure what this is doing for me helping me think about things, feel more ashamed, feel even worse about how society treats and views survivors, or if I just feel numb. I know that each time I read I do feel a bit accomplished though because I am getting through it and that was something that I wasn’t able to do before. Healing isn’t easy and it’s a long, slow process but everything that we do to get further along is a step in the right direction.
Healing the Pain: Writing Out the Thoughts that Haunt Me 