Explaining Me

I don’t like people and I’ve always said that. I didn’t really think much of that or that I say it until yesterday. I was talking to my boyfriend and said it out loud and he said it was sad. He said that I shouldn’t think that way and I should give people a chance but I just feel so let down by them.

I understand now that it really goes back to my assault. I told a few close friends and none handled it that well. They said things like oh well you are out of the situation now so that is good. They heard it, didn’t know how to deal with it and just wanted to sweep it under the rug. Sexual assault and rape, who wants to deal with that right? So you get people that tell you not to “dwell” or if you make the mistake of sharing you get told that it “doesn’t have to be so detailed.” Yes I’m disgusted by the things that happened, but thank you for making me feel even worse because you are too disgusted to hear.

I lived after it happened and I didn’t want to talk about it. There was a part of me that didn’t really care or at least I wanted to pretend I didn’t. It hurt that no one cared. That no one attempted to understand, to hold me, to be a friend. I had a few that got angry, one guy asked me if I wanted him to beat up the guy, at the time it felt like a sweet gesture and I still appreciate he said it. I don’t think he ever really knew that.

I became the girl with issues and I wore them on my sleeve. I didn’t know how to be who I was and the fake version didn’t really fool anyone. I pushed everyone away and they were more than happy to see me go because no one understood me anymore. I never reported it and so people felt it was their right to judge me. I think that many of them when they heard that doubted me. I think less than half the people I told believed me and it was already a small number, so I felt more than isolated.

I gave up on people because when I needed them most they failed me. I was the one who had advice and who cared and listened and when I needed one person, just one person to hear me, they were all gone. I still feel and carry this around. I have very few friends and I don’t let people in because I feel like when you need them they won’t be there.

I know it’s hard to support someone when you don’t understand or agree with their decisions, but that is what love is right? You may not understand but you support them through whatever it is. I guess I used to think that, now I’m not so sure. I know that I have seen other people be supportive but I have a hard time finding it myself. I was told that I don’t accept support if its not what I think it should be, but that’s not true. I think support is being there, letting the person talk or sit in silence and just being a presence.

When I was going through everything I would have killed for someone like that though my best friend didn’t really know it at the time she was that. She was the only one that I could be around, her and her family, and though they didn’t know it at the time what I was going through that was the only place that I felt like I could just be and be accepted. I suppose that is why she is still my best friend and though we don’t really do the emotional thing, I owe her more than she will probably ever know. A lot has been weighing on my mind lately and I guess I just had to get this out in some way.